Category | Op Ed

Dear SGA: I want a pony. Buy me one.

Published on March 2, 2010 by Matt Nix

Dear Student Government,
I consider myself sympathetic to the problems of collegiate life. Many a time following a test or riveting debate in class, I’m left quietly musing to myself, “Wouldn’t a massage chair be great right about now?” I don’t know about you, but my loins amass quite an ache after an hour or two of staring at a Scantron sheet-and I always envisioned no greater paradise than that of a vibrating mechanical chair digging into my spinal cord in the middle of the Student Center. My chest tingles a little just thinking about it.

You can imagine my disappointment when the “Great Battle for the Massage Chairs” student government vote ended with a victory to Team We-Don’t-Really-Wanna-Spend-Money-On-That. Curse you, you budgetary hooligans with your concern for how and where our money is spent! Some people on campus have real problems.

Nevertheless, I was delighted when I heard that the SGA voted down new rules and regulations around how they spend their money-just when I thought you were about to embrace fiscal  responsibility, no less. Phew, we certainly dodged a bullet there. Look SGA, I understand that you still have some pesky guidelines to follow (pish posh, I say), but now’s your chance to go wild. Embrace it. In fact, let’s just get right to point of things: I want you to buy me a pony.

Your vice president said it himself a few weeks ago when justifying his vote for the massage chairs: “If this is what the students want, we should give it to them.” Well, I want a pony-so give me one. I know that there’s probably some red tape involved with SABAC and the RSO manual, but I’m hoping we can work through that with some clever engineering.

Does the pony need to function as a resource for the student body as a whole? Fine-let it live where the old pizza shop or deli used to be inside the Student Center. We can let people take rides on it for a small fee. Imagine the travel time we’d cut from University Village to the science building. Don’t worry-you can thank me for my genius later.

Perhaps you’re asking if this proposal is too absurd. I figure after the massage chairs, I’m allowed to test the waters a little. You should’ve seen the other proposals I had in mind, like a gentlemanly man in a suit offering students warm scented towels after a big test or KSU’s own Large Hadron Collider. I figured we could get to those later in the year, depending on the success of the pony vote.

These are all issues that I’m sure you’ll work out with the expediency we’ve come to know and love from you, SGA. Who has time for sitting around and debating something as trivial as how money is spent? Not you, that’s who, which is exactly why you voted against that pesky spending resolution. I’m in full agreement with you. I mean, what if there was an emergency and we needed to order 5,000 Snuggies over the course of a weekend? That spending resolution would make it nearly impossible to do so. May I remind you it’s already snowed in Kennesaw more than once this year?

The bottom line is this: Now is the time for action, and by action, I mean indulging the student body in whatever cheap, material benefit you can give to them at the spur of the moment. After all, that is your purpose, isn’t it? I digress. Godspeed, SGA.