Editor’s note: this article is meant to be satire, not to be mistaken for real news.
Clowns have descended upon Kennesaw State to set the record straight after sightings across Metro Atlanta in October 2016 left many highly disturbed, according to 11Alive.
Despite multiple instances of clowns scaring and harassing students, one KSU clown said, “we wish to make a better name for all clowns by making the university run more efficiently.”
One student, a junior marketing major, spoke to our reporters to describe her encounter.
“I was walking to ‘The Deck‘ the other day from The Commons when I heard someone call my name,” the junior marketing major said. “I turned around to see a large clown chasing after me, so I ran to my car and locked all the doors. He caught up to me and proceeded to place a parking ticket on the windshield.”
Due to the economic climate of the country, many of these clowns are unemployed. The university, in an attempt to solve this clown-crisis, had begun to employ the clowns wherever they could. Most notably, in the Department of Parking and Road Services, the clowns have taken a liking to roaming the decks, writing tickets and parking their tiny cars in between student spots.
The clowns have also been employed at The Commons, the library, the rec center and in nearly every academic building, including The Office in Charge. Their latest decision has been to end the Clown Studies & Horror major, commonly referred to as CSH. Many students have been left infuriated by the decision since they will now have to switch majors.
Another instance misinterpreted by students occurred when one of these clowns stood outside of the Social Sciences building handing out red balloons. Multiple students said it was more reminiscent of Stephen King’s “It” instead of its intended message of letting people know about the upcoming blood drive.
When asked about the misconceptions surrounding their arrival, one clown, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed his outrage.
“We are constantly portrayed in the media as monsters, but most of us are just trying to pursue our version of the American dream,” the clown said. “I have two kids and five dogs. I am just doing my best to put food on the table and pay my monthly circus membership fees.”
The Office in Charge has expressed regret in hiring these clowns, but due to the strong clown unions, they are deadlocked into their employment contracts. A plan to address the new problems caused by the clowns was said to be included in the new five-year plan for the university. This plan has yet to be completed although a large board has been assembled to create it.
In the meantime, the clown said he’ll continue to advocate for clowns “until clowns become as American as apple pie or the Duggars.“